You know how they say your prefrontal cortex completely develops around 25? I feel that. The constant panic I have around mundane things is finally subsiding. The saying “Don’t make a mountain out of molehills” is something that I’m finally doing.
Well sort of. I think my brain had a giant explosion before settling down during my birthday month [november ;)]
You read my last post I was a mess over a 2 hour first date LOL.
Well October was a MESS.
Wow actually thinking back to October, it was horrendous. Very fitting for Halloween lol.
I don’t even know if I would say it was neutral chaotic, it felt very chaotic actually. That was the month my parents left for the philippines. The house was a mess, my emotional and mental state were compromised, I was NOT sleeping well, i had not routine, i was constantly hungry, anxiety was at an all-time high, and I gained 7 pounds yall.
7 pounds?!?!? As a very short person that is a LOT.
Not really sure why my life erupted so terribly. It was probably a combination of not getting substantial meals since my parents were gone, and starting back on dating apps when I definitely should not have gone on them yet.
Man I feel like october was 3 months crushed into one. So much happened and so much didn’t at the same time.
I usually categorize my posts but I’ll try this narrative style to challenge my adhd brain lol.
Well, here we go:
October started off with a bang. I went on a date with a cute dude the very last day of September, and on October 1st I was greeted by a ghost.
BOO!
The phantom of having a stable relationship jumpscared me into a paralyzed state of shock. A twenty-somethings man ghosted me after a decent date together? Why did I not see this as a possible outcome?
The frustration, disappointment, anxiety, and bitter discontent I felt that weekend as I impatiently waited for a DM unfortunately set the tone for the rest of October.
This girl was a hot mess.
My emotions were amped up, my impulsive nature came out to play, and with my parents being gone, my routine was absolutely wrecked. For some reason my priorities shifted and I was hungrily looking for any chance to have fun and go crazy. With that being said, my initial intent to “get my life together” morphed into something that was the complete opposite. I wanted to loose myself.
Okay pause, a bit dramatic. It was more like, I wanted to loosen the reigns with the slight freedom I had.
This led to me prioritizing anything that would give me an instant dopamine boost.
I hit the clubs and bars with my friends (one night haha), I stayed out past midnight to wingwoman my friend with a guy she’s interested in (on a WEEKDAY), and I spent a shit ton of money on anything and everything. If it was something that would disrupt my routine and set me up for failure the next day or upcoming month, I was going to do it.
What this resulted in was me feeling like I was super unorganized, out of control, everything slipped from my fingertips- and boy did I show it. I snapped at my brother everyday, and I cried to my therapist pretty damn hard. It felt like I was experiencing so much life, but it was never in my control. It was honestly exhausting.
Not to mention that there were a lot of things going on with my work life that felt overwhelming. The looming existential crisis that never subsides but swells and retreats hit me full blast. I was drowning in disappointment with where I was in life, and I ineffectively used fun and friends to distract myself and pull myself up.
At the same time all the craziness inspired change.
I cut my hair, finally got a new phone, new shoes, explored the dating apps more, found a great therapist, met new people, went to a concert for the first time in a long time, and I just lived. Yin and Yang, with the bad comes the good right?
All of these experiences build up and I feel like I want to grow even more. That means I’ve been wanting to create a life plan more seriously. Not just because I have to, but because I want to. I want to be able to support myself and explore the world and create the life I want. I really understand why people work so hard. They want to experience a lot of different things, and create a life where they don’t have to chase stability.
October was eye opening. Exhausting, chaotic, and sporadic, but it was a helpful month in terms of expanding my perspective on life.
I can tell you right now, November feels so different already.
After this weekend, I’m officially saying goodbye to the dating apps until February. This is my usual cycle. I’ve realized that I’m not in a stable place to pursue dating yet. Once I have my life goals in place and I’m actively taking steps to complete them, then sure I’ll go on them.
Not right now when I’m still so shaky, confused, irritated, and feeling defeated (but also hopeful?). I’ve distracted myself for far too long on things I shouldn’t be prioritizing at the moment.
I’ve also been a lot more organized with work and my daily life, slept at a decent hour, felt more emotionally stable. I know it’s only been 4 days but there’s been a shift with the November air. Maybe it’s because it’s my birth month, maybe it’s because I’m turning 25, or maybe it’s because I’m just tired of repeating the same boring cycle of saying things and not doing.
Either way, I’m moving.
Slowly and surely.
Wishing yall the best during November!!! I love November!!!!!!
-kae
= h i k a e = 